Sleep Training:
Choosing the Best Method for Your Child
Sleeping is one of the most important things we do. It keeps our bodies healthy, gives us energy, and helps us function at our best.
It's essential for babies and parents to be sleeping well for their overall health and wellbeing.
But what can you do when you feel like you've tried allllllllll the things to get your child to sleep, and they still. Don't. Sleep??
Maybe you've considered sleep training but haven't pulled the trigger yet. You have too many questions. Or you don’t think it will work for your baby.
Or…may you’ve started sleep training, but are running into some hurdles with the process.
In this post, I'm going to break down the 4 main sleep training methods out there, so if you decide this is the best choice for your family, you can choose something you feel comfortable implementing.
What to Know Before You Sleep Train: "Tuning In" to Your Baby
First things first, we want to make sure your baby is at least 4 months old. This is around the time that babies’ brains are receptive to routines and they are capable of learning to self-soothe. (Prior to this, you can establish healthy sleep habits through sleep shaping, which is a more hands-on approach with the end goal of simply getting your baby to sleep—and helping them do so—rather than prioritizing how you get your baby to sleep.)
When it comes to formal sleep training, regardless of the method you decide to use, it's imperative to "tune in" to your child throughout this process:
What are they communicating to you?
How are they feeling about the changes you're making?
I want you to remember that your child is a human, and it's okay for them to have feelings about change. Let's be honest, most people don't like change, and neither will your baby–at first.
The upside is that by providing your child with a solid bedtime routine, an age-appropriate schedule, nourishment, and cleanliness, you can be confident that when you lay them down in their crib or bed at night, the only need left to provide for them is sleep.
So now, let’s get into the 4 commonly used methods of sleep training.
Shh-Pat Method
The Shh-Pat method is a simple way to guide your newborn or young infant to sleep. I find this method is most effective in children 0-3 months.
To use this method, shush fairly loudly near your baby’s ear and pat your baby on their back in a rhythmic motion. The idea is that you’re recreating the noises they heard while in the womb - the blood rushing through your veins and the sound of your heart beating. You can do this as you rock or hold them at night to help them settle into sleep.
Once they become used to falling asleep this way, you can stop the movement of rocking and then move them into their crib, still providing the shhing and patting (on the belly, as your baby should be placed on their back). We’re gradually removing you from the need to fall asleep.
Over time, you can do less shhing and less patting, allowing your baby to get a little more independent as time goes on.
Eventually, you will be able to lay your baby down in their crib, say goodnight, and leave the room without much of a fuss!
This method does take time as it is a more gradual approach. It’s great for newborns to transition to independent sleep as they get older. It may also work well for babies who have previously bed shared, as it can be started in the bed and moved along with the baby into their own sleep space.
Chair Method
The Chair Method is a method where a parent is present in the room with the child until they fall asleep. After you’ve completed the bedtime routine and laid your baby in their crib - calm but awake - sit in a chair next to their crib or bed until they fall asleep. You may occasionally remind your child it’s time to sleep and say a repetitive phrase that gives them a consistent response from you and signals the same message - it’s time to sleep.
If your child wakes during the night, return to your spot in the chair until they fall back asleep.
Repeat this process until you have been sitting in the chair next to their crib for about three nights. Then, move the chair to the middle of the room and repeat your process from there for another three nights.
In three more nights, move your chair to the doorway. Eventually, you will be out of their room, and can move into a check and console method (more on this below!) if your presence is still needed.
This method is great for children who may be experiencing a bout of separation anxiety, or a child who sleeps in a bed.
Check and Console
Check and console. Ferber. Timed Intervals. To-ma-to, to-mah-to. This is the most popular method of sleep training and involves checking on your baby at timed interval of your choice. Intervals may stay the same, or increase, but never decrease.
Now here’s where I put my own spin on this method: Check and console + tune in before checking in with your baby. This is where the magic happens.
When you tune in to your child at the interval, assess what they’re communicating to you. Have they been ramping up? Are they REALLY mad? Or is their crying waning? Is it lessening in intensity? Do they sound more frustrated than panicked? This is what we’re listening for. And this is why I prefer Check & Console over Ferber. This method is what I like to call reactive rather than pre-active. What I mean by that is that instead of going in to do a check at predetermined intervals regardless of whether your baby is wailing their lungs or just flailing their legs (like you would according to Ferber), with Check and Console, you will go in when necessary and in response to your baby’s communication, reactive to the progress they’re making. This offers baby your presence and reassurance, but also provides a bit of space for them to try to get to sleep on their own without the risk of additional overstimulation from you—which often happens if you do a check when they are calm simply because your timer goes off.
If baby is still upset and not deescalating at the end of the interval you’ve set, go in and do your check—reassure baby that they’re ok, mommy’s/daddy’s here, it’s time for sleep, I love you, night-night. But if you notice baby is seemingly calming themselves, give them a bit more time and see what happens. It would be a shame to inadvertently go in and interrupt their soothing process…then you’d have to start over and that’s not fun for you or your baby.
This is my preferred method and works great for many babies from 4 months - 2 years (in the crib). And coaching families through the process so we can make tweaks in real time as necessary can make it even more effective!
Extinction Method
I know what you’re thinking: “I can’t do it. How will I survive the night without my baby? How will my baby survive the night without me? What if they cry the entire night and never sleep?”
Well, I have good news for you. I have never seen a baby cry all night and never fall asleep. Not once! What I have seen is a lot of confusion and misinformation around what Extinction/Cry-It-Out really means.
Sometimes, parents will tell me, “We’ve tried everything. We even tried Cry-It-Out.” But, in case you haven’t noticed, the extinction method is cry-it-out. So if you let them cry for three minutes and then went in and got them, you didn’t do Cry-It-Out. All you did was teach them that if they cry for three minutes, then they will be “rescued.” This only just defeats the purpose of what you’re trying to do here.
Real Extinction/Cry-It-Out means you set your baby down in their crib awake at bedtime, say goodnight, and close the door. You don’t intervene again or go back in the room until morning (6am or later). That is what it really looks like to implement Cry It Out.
This is difficult for many parents. No one likes hearing their baby cry. However, you don't have to stay in the room with your baby - you can give them some time by themselves (and keep an eye on them via the monitor). Maybe they’ll cry right away, maybe not. Most likely, eventually, they will. This is your baby’s way of saying, “This is new. This is different. I don’t like it. How do I go to sleep without you rocking/feeding/touching/etc. me?” It’s completely normal to protest a change to their status quo. Most people don’t like change! Babies included.
And yet, some babies simply need time and space to figure things out and learn to self-soothe. In addition, some parents find that offering checks can be more stimulating for their child, and this method, extinction, is actually a better option for their child’s personality.
The key here is consistency; every night, follow this same routine until your baby learns how to fall asleep independently by themselves without needing your help every step along the way! For most babies, this method leads to independent sleep in the first 3-4 nights.
How do you know the best method for your child?
It all comes down to your comfort level and parenting style. You know your child best. You know their temperament, you know what's going to help them, and what may make things more difficult. Trust your gut, and if you're struggling with what to do and which method to choose and you want support and accountability through the process, let's set up a call to find what's right for your family's needs and what will set you up for long-term sleep success.
If I am working with families and we’re not seeing any kind of progress in the first 3-4 nights, I will help them pivot to a new method.
Here are a few tips if you’re going to DIY it:
Consistency is key. Whether it's the routine or the method itself, consistency is important for both you and your child as it helps them learn what to expect and build the skills necessary to do it!
Give your initial method of choice enough time before switching. Fully commit to it before deciding it doesn't work.
Do not go back and forth between methods. If you aren’t sure where to start, begin with a more stimulating method (like the Shh-Pat Method or the Chair Method) and move toward less stimulating (the Check and Console Method or Extinction Method) if your child is more bothered by the support than helped by it.
Every child is different, so what works for one child may not work for another.
Enlist the support and help of your partner throughout the process. Sleep training can be emotional, hard work, but it is absolutely worth the long-term gain.
No matter what method you choose, make sure you are consistent.
I can’t say it enough! Stay consistent.
Another thing to keep in mind is that as with anything in life, things won't always go according to plan. Your baby might wake up crying; it's part of life as a parent. If this happens during sleeping training (or any other time), don't panic—just be consistent with how you respond to their cries.
It helps to remember, too, that being sick, traveling, teething (even working on a new physical milestone), etc. can all disrupt sleep for a time. And when they do, it's important not to panic because this isn't a cause for concern! Just focus on meeting your child’s needs as best you can when they’re sick or uncomfortable, and implement your good sleep habits once they’re well again. (And practice their new skills during the day as much as possible.)
The bottom line is, while your child’s sleep will change as their sleep needs change—which happens most frequently throughout their first 3 years of life—it’s never too late to teach your child to be an independent sleeper. They’ll thank you when they’re older!
And you’ll be grateful, too.