How to Manage Your Baby’s Sleep Associations
It’s been ingrained into new-parent society that babies need our help to fall asleep; rocking and feeding are the two most common approaches. But what if I told you that your “help” could look different than you think?
To be clear, I’m not saying you shouldn’t rock your baby to sleep!
In all seriousness, if you were ever asked as a new or expecting parent, how you would get your baby to sleep, you would probably answer, “by rocking them?”
So a lot of the time, that’s what we do! I did this with both of my children.
When we bring babies home from the hospital or birthing center, we know they're going to need our help getting to sleep and eating. Then a few months in, when sleep deprivation hits, you almost feel trapped by your baby’s sleep needs and the increased effort it takes to get them to sleep…
…but you know feeding and/or rocking works, so you just go with it.
That is, until the four-month sleep regression hits, and what was working no longer is. Your baby wakes up more frequently, and each time you try to get them back to sleep, it feels like they wake again soon after. How do you get your baby to fall asleep, and stay asleep, now?! They–and you–are utterly exhausted.
It all comes down to sleep associations.
What are sleep associations?
Sleep associations, also referred to as sleep habits or sleep props, are the things your baby does or needs as they’re falling asleep, or things they identify with sleep.
Here’s a quick list of some potential props:
Feeding to sleep
Rocking to sleep
Car rides
Pacifier use
Shushing to sleep
Snuggling to sleep
Singing to sleep
Zipping up their sleep sack
Swaddling them
Reading a book
Entering their dark nursery
Bouncing or swaying to sleep
White noise
Patting or rubbing to sleep
A lovey or comfort item
There are other sleep associations too. Basically, anything a human being does as they’re falling asleep for the night is their most dominant sleep association.
When it comes to babies and young children, sleep associations can be parent-led or self-led.
Parent-led sleep associations are just that: associations led by the parent that the child needs to fall asleep. These would include feeding, rocking, bouncing, or swaying to sleep, replacing the pacifier, driving in the car or going for a stroller walk to get your baby to sleep, etc.
Self-led sleep associations are the ones your little one can do without needing your help. Often this involves having an environment that is conducive for sleep. For instance, a pitch-black room with white noise playing, independent use of the pacifier, snuggling with a blankie or lovey item, a consistent bedtime routine and saying goodnight, etc.
A newborn baby is definitely going to need some parent-led sleep associations at times, but have you ever just put your baby, calm and awake, in their crib in the dark with some white noise playing after doing a solid bedtime routine just to see what happens?!
You might be surprised. Our babies are often more capable than we think.
And the problem is, we often don’t even consider giving them these opportunities because you’re supposed to rock your baby to sleep, right??
You might be thinking, Okay, Liza, I get where you’re coming from, but how do I move from parent-led sleep associations to self-led associations?
My answer depends on a few things–namely, your baby’s age, and what your sleep goals are long-term.
First, if your baby is still in the newborn phase, start practicing with self-led associations and help your baby as needed. Move toward parent-led sleep associations if they aren’t getting the hang of it. And if your baby needs more help from you, that’s ok! - sleep is developmental.
Teach your child more than one way to fall asleep. It’s hard the first few months in particular, but trust me, the more opportunities to practice you can give your baby, the better they will get over time. And *hopefully* that four-month sleep regression won’t hit your baby–and you–so hard.
Regardless of your child’s age, if you aren’t already doing a bedtime or naptime routine before your child goes to sleep, start tonight! This series of steps that you repeat before any period of sleep will become a positive sleep association, helping your child’s body prepare for sleep.
And what if your baby is out of the newborn stage, specifically, beyond four months? That’s when it becomes a great time to start focusing on independent sleep skills!
Why teach independent sleep skills?
Brain growth (which occurs at an exponential rate the first three years of life) needs consolidated sleep. Growth hormones are also released when your child sleeps, so you may notice that they physically look bigger after a good night’s sleep! Quality, consolidated sleep is also better for parents than the fragmented sleep that comes with waking at all hours of the night–you can make better decisions for you and your baby and respond to your child in a more responsive way, just to name a few.
For both children and adults, consolidated and healthy sleep leads to:
Optimal brain functioning
Improved immune health
Improved mental health
Improved metabolic health and digestion
Improved cardiac health
Improved attention and memory retention
Improved emotional regulation
And more!
Wanting your child to learn to sleep better, or on their own, isn’t selfish. Being unhappy with your child’s sleep habits doesn’t make you a bad parent, or mean that you love your child any less. It’s in both of your best interests to get the best possible sleep you can.
I know sleep is hard. It’s natural, but not intuitive. At the end of the day, when you’re maxed out, it often feels easier to put a bandaid on a sleep issue than think about a long-term solution. And there is so much noise in the online parenting world reminding you to soak up the snuggles and deal with it.
I saw a recent post in a Facebook moms group, where a mom was at her wit’s end, exhausted and stressed, looking for some advice about how to improve her 4-month-old’s sleep because she couldn’t handle holding her for all naps anymore. Instead, she received a comment that said, “We still do that with my 9-month old - enjoy the snuggles, it goes so fast!” This not only totally dismissed the mom’s struggle, it probably made her feel guilty and ashamed for feeling the way she did, for seeking another way, and actually added to the notion that motherhood exhaustion is a rite of passage or badge of honor.
My hope is to destigmatize both sleep issues AND reaching out for help with sleep.
Think about it like this: If your intention was to breastfeed and your baby was struggling to latch, you wouldn’t hesitate to reach out to a lactation consultant, right?
If food is nourishment for the body, sleep is nourishment for the brain. And both are vital to you and your baby’s health, wellbeing, and development. So why is there so much shame around wanting your child to sleep better?
Because we’re taught to expect not to sleep once we welcome a baby home. I think it’s also why a lot of people treat sleep as a nice-to-have vs. a non-negotiable. The cycle perpetuates and moms don't reach out for the help they need when they're struggling. This leads to this sense of doing it alone and not having a village and even cases of postpartum depression and/or postpartum anxiety.
If you can start sleep off on the right foot, everyone in the family is better for it.
And if you’re in the camp where you think it’s time for your family to stop struggling with your child’s sleep, please, don’t hesitate to reach out for help! I’d love to help get you to a better place in your motherhood journey.